From LUST to Prayer????
From my last blog post to this one I've skipped a great deal, and I will definitely backtrack later, but do you know what is weird? The first time you have an urge to pray, earnestly pray for someone you want to sleep with or dare I say you've lusted after (I know, SuperChristians cover your eyes and ears). Heretofore I've tried to keep those thoughts, which are neither productive or holy, completely separate from my desire to please God. That is until a few weeks ago...
I met a guy on the internet (I'm being very vague, but rest assured it was not some random sleazy website). He seemed nice enough, and I thought he was super cute. He sent me a friend request; I accepted. He proceeded to express interest without actually talking to me. I was intrigued so I sent him a private message. We started chatting and I determined that he was definitely someone I'd like to know better. I was honest and told him as much. That in itself was a huge step for me because I am normally best at beating around the bush and being very unclear about my desires then finally seeing 'him' with someone else and sulking about my loss. I guess that should have been my first clue something was going to be different but I didn't even think about what had transpired. I was more clear and forthcoming than I've ever been before with anyone when I told him how attractive I thought he was and how much I enjoyed talking to him. He seemed appreciative of the compliments and expressed interest though I didn't get the sense that his feelings were as strong as mine.
At first, I felt like a fool for expressing myself. But then I realized that I should celebrate the victory of being open and honest and clear. I reminded myself that if the feelings are not mutual that is ok because unlike so many times before if he doesn't feel the same way then at least I don't have to wonder if things would have been different if he knew how I felt. Furthermore, I had to recognize that we just met and some people are far more cautious than others when it comes to meeting people or dating. He has good reason to be cautious, and right now, just because he isn't making moves flying toward me doesn't mean he doesn't want to or won't in the future.
At first, I examined myself to see if I came on too strong, even apologized to him if I seemed super creepy, but he assured me that he appreciated the compliments and that I had done nothing wrong. He's the kind of guy that years ago, even 6 months ago I would have told myself would never be into someone like me. I would have mentally taken myself out of his league, which admittedly I almost did until someone pointed out that perhaps I give up too soon. I NEVER thought of it that way. I felt like if I told someone how I felt and they didn't immediately share my sentiments that was the end and I had made a fool of myself for nothing. I never thought of the possibility of what if it was too early for him to determine his feelings. So there are a lot of life lessons attached to this guy. Whether he becomes anyone significant in my life or not, I know I met him for a reason. Never before have I been so forthcoming, even to the point that I was completely honest with God telling Him my honest feelings about the fleshly desire I had when I looked at this guy. I had to laugh at myself for my honesty and at God for the moves He made next.
I told God how I felt and how strongly I felt and I guess God had to slow me down because He allowed me to see that my new crush was interested in someone else. Of course, I lamented for a while, but then someone pointed out that everything in life is a competition and that if you take yourself out of the game you will never win. This person did not say be a fool, but the advice was valid; if you meet someone and you want to get to know him, pursue him enough to get his attention. If he never knows you exist, you can't be upset that he did not chase after you. Since times have changed, men don't do as much chasing as they used to; they don't have to chase as much with women throwing themselves at them regularly. It's kind of the same concept as 'closed mouths don't get fed'. Of course, there are other factors that play into it such as timing, chemistry etc, but you have to be in the building, dressed out and on the bench if you want the coach to put you in the game!
So I jumped back in the game. We had a few casual conversations and even flirted a bit. Of course, it is my hope that we are not just finding all these physically attractive qualities about each other, and I have had a hard time with dating for that very reason. I never know where or how to draw the line and keep it holy yet let him know I'm interested so I almost always friend-zone myself by default. I'm extremely easy to talk to and I like to joke but I end up being the little sister or the homegirl because of the uncertainty of how to date. I was always sure I was supposed to be a wife, but I never knew how to get there after it didn't happen straight out of school. And certainly, at my age, it seems harder than ever because even if you meet someone who claims to be a Christian they don't generally claim to be celibate. Saying you don't want to have sex seems like the quickest way to get someone away from you in 2017, but I digress.
If my boldness with him was not enough, one morning I was standing in my closet praying/meditating as I prepared to start my day and this guy came to mind. I had been thinking about police shootings so his face coming to mind wasn't a big deal in the moment. But the fact that he came to mind and I had a deep desire to petition God on his behalf and to realize that I was praying sincerely for him and his relationship with Christ, was a mind-blowing experience. In the days following I would move to praying for his family, covering him on his job, his future, just things that I have NEVER prayed for in any of my prior relationships. And of course, to pray for him took away a great deal of the lust. Granted, I still think he's extremely handsome but I don't find myself only thinking about him in a way that would grieve the Holy Spirit.
Obviously, I don't know where this will go, if anywhere, but I know that to be a good wife, I will have to pray for my husband. Pray for him when the world seems to have nothing else to offer him, or when he may not be in a position to pray for himself. I want to be a praying wife, and I want God to hear my cries on his behalf. I had not really ever thought of how that happens, I guess I thought it was like spreading pixie dust and just sort of happened magically. But I see that's not how it happens, you have to consciously make an effort to pray for your spouse, and the burden of prayer is not one to be taken lightly.
I met a guy on the internet (I'm being very vague, but rest assured it was not some random sleazy website). He seemed nice enough, and I thought he was super cute. He sent me a friend request; I accepted. He proceeded to express interest without actually talking to me. I was intrigued so I sent him a private message. We started chatting and I determined that he was definitely someone I'd like to know better. I was honest and told him as much. That in itself was a huge step for me because I am normally best at beating around the bush and being very unclear about my desires then finally seeing 'him' with someone else and sulking about my loss. I guess that should have been my first clue something was going to be different but I didn't even think about what had transpired. I was more clear and forthcoming than I've ever been before with anyone when I told him how attractive I thought he was and how much I enjoyed talking to him. He seemed appreciative of the compliments and expressed interest though I didn't get the sense that his feelings were as strong as mine.
At first, I felt like a fool for expressing myself. But then I realized that I should celebrate the victory of being open and honest and clear. I reminded myself that if the feelings are not mutual that is ok because unlike so many times before if he doesn't feel the same way then at least I don't have to wonder if things would have been different if he knew how I felt. Furthermore, I had to recognize that we just met and some people are far more cautious than others when it comes to meeting people or dating. He has good reason to be cautious, and right now, just because he isn't making moves flying toward me doesn't mean he doesn't want to or won't in the future.
At first, I examined myself to see if I came on too strong, even apologized to him if I seemed super creepy, but he assured me that he appreciated the compliments and that I had done nothing wrong. He's the kind of guy that years ago, even 6 months ago I would have told myself would never be into someone like me. I would have mentally taken myself out of his league, which admittedly I almost did until someone pointed out that perhaps I give up too soon. I NEVER thought of it that way. I felt like if I told someone how I felt and they didn't immediately share my sentiments that was the end and I had made a fool of myself for nothing. I never thought of the possibility of what if it was too early for him to determine his feelings. So there are a lot of life lessons attached to this guy. Whether he becomes anyone significant in my life or not, I know I met him for a reason. Never before have I been so forthcoming, even to the point that I was completely honest with God telling Him my honest feelings about the fleshly desire I had when I looked at this guy. I had to laugh at myself for my honesty and at God for the moves He made next.
I told God how I felt and how strongly I felt and I guess God had to slow me down because He allowed me to see that my new crush was interested in someone else. Of course, I lamented for a while, but then someone pointed out that everything in life is a competition and that if you take yourself out of the game you will never win. This person did not say be a fool, but the advice was valid; if you meet someone and you want to get to know him, pursue him enough to get his attention. If he never knows you exist, you can't be upset that he did not chase after you. Since times have changed, men don't do as much chasing as they used to; they don't have to chase as much with women throwing themselves at them regularly. It's kind of the same concept as 'closed mouths don't get fed'. Of course, there are other factors that play into it such as timing, chemistry etc, but you have to be in the building, dressed out and on the bench if you want the coach to put you in the game!
So I jumped back in the game. We had a few casual conversations and even flirted a bit. Of course, it is my hope that we are not just finding all these physically attractive qualities about each other, and I have had a hard time with dating for that very reason. I never know where or how to draw the line and keep it holy yet let him know I'm interested so I almost always friend-zone myself by default. I'm extremely easy to talk to and I like to joke but I end up being the little sister or the homegirl because of the uncertainty of how to date. I was always sure I was supposed to be a wife, but I never knew how to get there after it didn't happen straight out of school. And certainly, at my age, it seems harder than ever because even if you meet someone who claims to be a Christian they don't generally claim to be celibate. Saying you don't want to have sex seems like the quickest way to get someone away from you in 2017, but I digress.
If my boldness with him was not enough, one morning I was standing in my closet praying/meditating as I prepared to start my day and this guy came to mind. I had been thinking about police shootings so his face coming to mind wasn't a big deal in the moment. But the fact that he came to mind and I had a deep desire to petition God on his behalf and to realize that I was praying sincerely for him and his relationship with Christ, was a mind-blowing experience. In the days following I would move to praying for his family, covering him on his job, his future, just things that I have NEVER prayed for in any of my prior relationships. And of course, to pray for him took away a great deal of the lust. Granted, I still think he's extremely handsome but I don't find myself only thinking about him in a way that would grieve the Holy Spirit.
Obviously, I don't know where this will go, if anywhere, but I know that to be a good wife, I will have to pray for my husband. Pray for him when the world seems to have nothing else to offer him, or when he may not be in a position to pray for himself. I want to be a praying wife, and I want God to hear my cries on his behalf. I had not really ever thought of how that happens, I guess I thought it was like spreading pixie dust and just sort of happened magically. But I see that's not how it happens, you have to consciously make an effort to pray for your spouse, and the burden of prayer is not one to be taken lightly.
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